Volume Nine

Volume Nine: Volume nine consists of prosaic poetry written by W. Diane Van Zwol, with the the central theme, 'Do not fear'. It is a more central stand taken by the poet.


1. On Fear

With respect to my life, sometimes it seems that I have viewed a hurricane from the distance, from heights, far beyond which most human beings ever travel. I feel like I have wrestled with torment, even while resting in the eye of a hurricane; I have been tossed about by the winds of time and I have been thrown out of the hurricane's fury, only to land on a plain of perfect peace.

"I have given you a Sabbath rest. It is up to you how you would choose to use it."

I know that I shall not die, at least not now. How then shall I live?

I shall not live in fear or be bound by fear, in any ungodly way, shape or form, for I know that even as Job confessed, "I shall not die but live and confess the works of the Lord," God has given me a purpose in my life, a reason to be, a reason to live.

The only kind of fear that I will honor, or allow in my life, is that of Love's true 'fear', more properly expressed as love, awe, honour and respect for God.

I will regard all life as sacred and treat every man, woman and child with love, honour and respect, to the best of my ability.

My family will be those who are around me and thus my immediate family, whoever or wherever they may be. They shall all know that they are loved, whether they are my 'natural' family by birth, or my God-given, 'spiritual' family.

My home shall be wherever I am in this world, as by God's will, that is where I am at each moment in time.

I know that I am loved and protected by Him and so are those who are with me as my family or friends, whether nearby, or simply present in my heart or my thoughts.

I will live a life that is healthy, both for myself and for all of those around me, truly appreciating and valuing the life that has been given to me by God.

I will do the work of my hands, faithfully fufilling whichever task with which I have been blessed, each and every day of my life, to the best of my ability.

I will respect each person's space and personhood and seek to lead, guide and assist each one, as I am led to do so by God, in accordance with His perfect, divine will.

I am assured that I will be blessed, even as I bless others and will seek to live each day with thanksgiving and praise, treasuring each day's memories as mine, a gift of love and grace.

I will remain silent in a particular time or place, unless God wills to speak through me and I pray that He will, in His time and in His way.

I will seek to act on my words, based on truth and speak only truth, as led to do so with the guidance of God's Holy Spirit.

I will seek peace in my lifetime, not living at war with myself or others, while working towards good for all humankind.

I will bind the powers of darkness in the name of Jesus Christ, assured that He has overcome all evil.

I shall seek that which is positive and constructive in my life, avoiding that which is negative and destructive. I will be a builder and not a destroyer.

I shall walk placidly amidst the storms of life.

I shall not live in fear.

This is my desirata.

2. On Death

In my lifetime, I feel like I have walked through valley of the shadow of death,
Not just once, but time and time again;

It was as if I was destined to look death straight in the eye,

As if somehow death stared back at me and mocked me,

Both in terms of my own eternity and that of others.

I had to wrestle with my own mortality and serious attempts on my own life

And then somehow, simultaneously, with the mortality of others too.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil..."

'Death, you cannot take my life...it is my life, given to me by God,

You cannot control my life or rule my life, as God is in control.'

Tired, weak and weary, I stood alone, except for God 'in me'

Standing, when I no longer had the strength, or the courage to stand,

Or the will to fight back against that which I could not battle.

In the wee hours of the night, I would often awaken in a cold sweat,

Tormented and frightened, not knowing what to do or what to say;

There was no place to go, no place to run to, unless I would run to God.

Locked into the hellish shadows of death, unravelling before me,

With horror and hell breaking my spirit, in every possible direction,

I struggled in terms of death and dying, both for myself and for others.

Lost and heartbroken, saddened and terrified, I took my stand,

For those too weak and too sick to claim their own place,

In either life or death. Most of them had already lost their 'will to live'.

Their spirits had been broken too, long before I arrived on the scene.

I could not restore the 'will to live' in them, (not that I didn't try).

'What kind of life is this?' I asked myself, time and time again.

'What is this life if not lived for others?' I wondered. No answer came back to me.

'What was I to do?' I knew that I could at least acknowledge the dying,

Their silent suffering, possibly give them peace and joy in their final hours.

I had no knowledge or ability to overcome my own pain, my personal weakness,

Much less the raging cancers of death, claiming the lives of one after another.


I stood more and more helpless, beginning to realize that I could only be a channel,

A channel of peace, a source of comfort, in the darkness of the blackest nights,

For the dying, those lying there doing nothing, not even wanting or trying to live,

Or attempting to fight back against death's waiting hand and pending grasp.

I became a watchman of the night, a silent observer of death's stalking terror.

Quietly, I waited and I watched. I knew the horrific signs of pending death.

Death is no respector of race, creed, color, gender, or status in life;

Death walks where it will and hovers there, silently grasping its helpless prey.

I could only pray, waiting, watching the dancing shadows that were creating

Mysterious images on the wall, in the breaking light of early morning.

I saw the shadow of a cross; a figure emerged on it, as if to claim the victory,

But soon the life of the person beside me, that had merely been hanging by a thread,

Faded and was gone. I sadly drew a black rose and laid it at the foot of the cross,

But joyfully, claiming the victory, I maintained my stand, "I shall fear no evil..."

This is my desirata.

3. On Anger

"Be angry, but sin not."
There have been many times in my life when I have been angry, angry about extreme injustice or senseless cruelty, on a personal plane or an impersonal plane of existence.

Deep inside myself, not even aware of what I was actually doing, I have listened to the pounding thunder of anger, immediately aroused in my being, by some external, sometimes unknown factor and have sensed the searing flashes of lightning, experienced during the fierce storms of rage, somehow striking inside me so deeply that there was no measure of pounding rainfall that could possibly put out the burning coals.

I know that I have been angry enough to strike out with my tongue, like a lashing whip, angry enough to fight back physically, even with my bare fists, to stand in bold, direct confrontation with my oppressor or the oppressor of others, or to to stand my ground in fear and dread, totally paralysed into non-activity, only to finally realize with silent fury, that all of my anger was spent in vain.

Humbly, I had to admit defeat and allow that all of my feeble efforts only resulted in my energy being wasted. I often found that it did not resolve the issues or solve the problem; in fact often times, it simply made matters worse, like a chain reaction.

"Anger breeds more anger; contempt breeds more contempt."

I have been horrified to see the fury of absolute rage in my own eyes, so terrifying, when mirrored back, that it frightened even me.

I listened to the raving of my own tongue, cutting others deeply, in my fury, in my meagre attempts to correct wrongs, that subconsciously, I knew I could not possibly correct, at least not as a mere human being.

I have struck out in every way I possibly could against evil, but all in vain; nothing changed.
I began to see that evil has existed since time began and will continue to exist until the end of time.

I asked myself, 'Is it wrong to be angry against evil, injustice and cruelty, or to try to fight back against it?' In my heart of hearts, I knew that it was not wrong to fight back against these timeless foes.

I have been angry enough to run and wanting to run, was not able to do so; angry enough to cry tears of fury, but without the actual tears to cry, I could not cry. Only my soul could cry out, but no one was listening, or so it seemed. I could not make myself cry real tears, no matter how hard

I tried.

Hopelessly I queried, 'Of what use are dry tears anyhow, when they are but they are not'; somehow it seemed to be a timeless resolution of the question 'to be or not to be'.

I have been furious enough to take a stand on behalf of the weak, the poor, the hungry, the blind, only to find that all of my anger, all of my senseless 'dry' tears, simply amounted to nothing, the sum total of absolutely nothing, in the light of God's righteousness.

Helplessly, I struggled against anger, I sought for answers for my anger, for the anger and fury of others, becoming more and more aware that anger is an actual part of being human, that anger is an innate response of the entire human race to evil.
Still seeking answers, I read, "If a man is angry with his brother, it is the same as if he kills his brother."

Shocked, I asked myself, 'Who, including me, has never been angry at a brother, a sister, a father, a mother, or another person, including a child? I wondered, 'What is it in us, not just in me, but in all of humankind, that breeds this kind of anger, resulting in a fatal contempt for others?' I had no answer for myself, much less an answer for anyone else.

I continued to search, always pondering in my heart, 'Why do we as a human race get so angry about that which we may or may not be able to control or change?' Silently, I asked myself, 'Why do we get angry enough that we could actually kill one another?'

I saw the effects of anger on my own body and on the bodies of others and realized that anger is a silent killer of humankind. It grows like a cancer, spreading voraciously, slowly eating away, virtually consuming, destroying and ultimately eradicating the heart and mind of man.

I learned about adrenalin, how it is released in anger and realized that the flow of adrenalin is vital to the energy flow in the human body, possibly a vital part of its actual life force. Adrenalin creates energy, protects life and even sustains life.

I knew that I was guilty of the sin of anger, but also guilty of wasting my energy on needless anger, when more realistically, I could actually be creating a positive channel of energy flow, both for myself and for others, for good and not for evil, instead of perpetuating this senseless, negative energy, that resulted from my anger.

I knew that I had personalized and globalized my own anger and tried to justify both myself and my anger, with the excuse of anger being a universal response to injustice and evil. I could not justify it.

I found out that only Love could resolve that kind of guilt.

I realized that anger is an emotional response, a reaction rooted and grounded in basic fear, eg. fear of lack, fear of death, fear of life, fear of others, fear of change, but equally fearful, in the exact opposite direction, as fear of excess, fear of life, fear of self and fear of no change.

Laughing at my own folly, I said to myself, 'What a conundrum this silly thing called anger really is!'

"Laughter is the best medicine."

I knew that fear or mis-understanding often causes anger and thus a sudden surge, a release of life-giving, life-saving adrenalin results.

I began to analyse my own anger. I saw that what we do or what we say, when we get angry, how we re-act or choose not to re-act, is simply a matter of our own choice; more personally, my own choice.

I became aware that to some extent at least, it is an unconditioned response, or even a conditioned response but I saw how it can be a learned response, based upon what we were taught as children, by our parents, our siblings, our family, our friends and even our teachers.

How they reacted to anger, we react to anger; what they taught us, we learned and practised.

'What is the alternative?' I wondered and felt that there had to be a solution.

Suddenly, as if some light had just been turned on deep inside my mind, I knew the answer. I realized that anger, in itself is not wrong. It is the expression of anger that resolves or creates the problems. There is a right way and a wrong way to respond to anger.

Working out anger, through appropriate channels, is actually possible, practical, feasible, reasonable and very realistic.

I became aware that I was reacting to anger in the wrong way, when I was inwardly or outwardly raging about injustice or cruelty and that I could and should deal with anger in a totally different way, ie. dealing with it from a different perspective.

I began to understand how I could use anger for my own benefit and for the benefit of others, rather than having it become detrimental in my life or the lives of others.

I began to see that I could be angry about the wrong, the cruelty, the injustice, but still forgive and love the other person, who was somehow also reacting to fear or anger in his or her own way, probably the only way he or she knew how to respond; in other words, I could learn to hate the deed and love the person and to love that person or those people unconditionally.

I think that I always knew that the inappropriate expression of anger has never been and never will be acceptable, socially or otherwise. 'Yes,' I told myself, 'There is realistic justification for anger, but there is no justification, none whatsoever, for inappropriate expression of anger.'

More simply put and taking it one step further, there really is no excuse for mis-direction in the channeling of the energy, created by the adrenalin, released in the expression of anger.

Why? The mis-directed energy flow leads towards death, not towards life and life is to be considered as sacred. We should be seeking life not death.

"Be angry but sin not."

This is my desirata.